My name is Janey, I am the Freak Russophile, or Russorexic, as I call it. I am 26 year old American who loves Russia more than anyone else. My heart and life has forever been changed by the rich culture, the poor people and the omnipotent enigma that is Russia.
I went over to teach English, not knowing any Russian, thinking it would just be a nice break from school, only to have my entire world shift as Russia became my mortal center of gravity. On the first day there I fell madly in love and my life has since been made up of my struggles in Russia, or my struggles to survive while out of Russia.
Me in Red Square June, 2005
I saved money and went back to study at MGU in the Philology faculty. I studied there for a year, left my stuff and heart in Moscow while I went home for a summer break in 2005. Some things fell out of place and wasn’t able to go back, and have been wondering around heart and joy less since.
Me with two of my teachers, Tatiana Mikhailovna and Nadezhda Yureevna
It has been 2 years since my return to America. I’m married now and settled and happy, but still a little empty. I am lost without Russia, this blog has been an attempt to grapple with the distance, a way of cradling what I do have of Russia, and a way of frantically scrambling for anything more to cradle. Russia has been the one pursuit in my life that has not fizzled, in fact it has only flared and flourished. It continues to give me a deep joy and purpose. In order to wake up in the morning, a bribe myself with promises of blog-writing, Russian-mongering.
Me in front of Moscow State University, MGU
To think of the impassioned arguments I’ve had with my husband about why he feels I will never love him the way I love Russia. And it’s true. I probably won’t. The relationship I have with Russia almost an abusive one, I can’t live with or without her. She beats me up, tears me to shreds, rips me off, and wrings my soul dry of all its love, she doesn’t even notice when I’m gone and just seems to go on living without me. 
Me and my husband in Moscow, May of 2007
And yet the happiest moments of my life have been there, with her. I felt a depth of love that I never knew possible, living in Russia. And when I had to leave I honestly felt empty and lost and utterly disparaged. At least once a week, I drift off in to a kind of daze, wherein I pine for Russia. I pine for the times I had there, even the rough ones. I pine for all of the things I hated about the place, I pine for the cruelty and manipulation. I pine for that vulnerability that comes when you completely give your heart to something. Russia has power to bring me the highest levels of joy, and the darkest levels of despair. Just like your loved ones do.
Love gets deeper and stronger when you grow and suffer together. I grew and suffered with Russia. I know I’m suffering now, but I don’t know if I’m growing any, I think Russia is growing up with out me.
I know I’ll never go back to live like the way I did before. But I refuse to let this deep love and passion that I have for the place, the capacity that I have for the language and the insatiable hunger for more, go to waste. If you feel such strong love for something or someone you can’t just walk away from it simple because it forces your heart to stretch.
I understand what you are saying. You are attempting to describe “dushevnym vostorgom” in English, which is well nigh impossible. How CAN I English this? “Wonder of the soul”, “soulful wondrousness”? It is something that all Russians can grasp instinctively, but, it is almost impossible to get an American to understand it.
My good wishes to you on the feast. s Prazdnikom!
Vara
Janey, every word you said resonated with me completely! I’ve never thought it possible that someone could feel the same way about Russia that I do. Everything you said is just as true for me as it is for you. I first fell in love with Russia in my early teens, and started learning the language at the same time. I went there for the first time in 2006 and then again just this last spring. The love I feel for Russia is like nothing I’ve felt about anything else, and I never thought another person could understand it. I think we are very similar. I’m 25 years old, from Boston. I was really excited to find this blog! Thanks for writing it!
Janey, I can relate to that soulful delight as well. I took leave from my job back in 92 for a chance to be a “starshyor” for two months and live like a “moskveech”. I went back in 94 “v otpusk” and yearn to go back. I have never been happier than when I am speaking Russian and being Russian in Russia
Hello,
I am doing my research project for Russian course in Dalhousie University. I would like to ask for your permission to use some of the pictures from your website.
I will appreciate if you will answer me before March 24, 2008.
Thank you.
Marina Chemerys
Me too! A fellow Russophile. Almost forty five years now.
I defended the Soviet Constitution as a debate project
in Engilish class when I was fourteen,with conviction
in 1965, And have had real affection for the people
and culture since then. Spasibo.
Привет! Я тоже люблю Россию, русскую культуру и язык. Я немного учился русскому языку когда я был студентом в университете. К сожалению, я редко говорю по русски и никогда не ездил в Россию. Однако, я мечтаю ехать куда и там работать.
Я прочитал блог-урок-статю Мишеля Берди о “соболезновании,” когда родители русской подруги погибли. Её статья мне очень помогла.
Спасибо большое!
Really impressed with your experiences of russia, If you’re interested in writing some articles about your experience in russia with a particular focus on teaching english there, please get in touch.
Im willing to pay $0.01 per word for a couple of articles. Let me know if you’re interested.
Thanks
Hello, i understand you completely. Im in love with Russia, Russians and everything coming from that beautiful country. I sometimes think its like an illness..because sometimes i like absolutely insane music, paintings, books…just if they smell russian
Im happy theres more of us out there.
Hi,
I’m from Russia. Everything you said is true. Thank you, guys!
Why don’t you look for a job or career that would take you to Russia? International business? Finance?
I’m really bad with math. Really really bad.
I am not sure how I stumbled on your blog, but I am certainly a kindred spirit! I’ve just read this intro…and now have to find out what you are doing!
I majored in Russian (well, studied it from 7th-12th grades and then through college). Then went in a different direction and only got to Russia 5 years ago to adopt my son Sergei. Then back a number of times for three more children. Now, like you, I’m trying to figure out a way to GO BACK!
Hi, Janey ! Good luck to you with your Russian studies. I also like articles by Michele Berdy. Could you send your collection of her articles to my email?
You can find a lot of info about Russia on my blog
It is interesting that, historically, experts in the history and workings of France, England, Germany, etc. are just experts on France, England, German. Experts on Russia and China, however, are “Russia hands” and “China hands”. The effect of these two countries on people who absorb them is so qualitatively different from the effect of other countries that we need a distinct, qualitatively different term for thm.
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
You are an amazingly deep human being. Your words make me realize all the things I feel about Russia, but was not able to translate those feelings to myself. I was born in Russia, but have lived in US for 20 years now. I travel back every year and realize that there is some unknown force that pulls me back, even though it is not Russia that I grew up in. Keep up the great job on this Blog.
Here’s another Russomaniac:))) ,living in the Netherlands..
Female.
And completely ,madly infatuated in love with the Russian language….started in my youthat the age of 14, with a Soviet book on Russian arts… At that time and with the help of that book I learned to read the Cyrillic script. That passion is still there: I love the Cyrillic script/Russian language. It’s orthography,the way it sounds,it’s very complicated grammatical structures,those brainteasing 6 grammatical cases.
Russian language has such a magic,enchanting aura…it doesn’t stop giving me the shivers….ohhh!
I love your blog, Jenie!
C Новым годом и Рождеством тебя! Cчастья, любви, денег, здоровья и удовольствия от жизни! пусть новый год принесет много сюрпризов и исполнения заветных мечт!
Just read about you, personally, after responding to your KINO blog. I know exactly how you feel, though I’ve never been there. My son returns there after college graduation to work in Moscow for a few months – and I’M VISITING IN NOVEMBER. I am beside myself with joy! Read my other comment (to KINO blog) – that explains who I am. My advice to you (from a woman in her 60s) is FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, FOLLOW YOUR DREAM. You only live once, and this life is very short. Follow your dream, dear. I speak from experience of about 3 times your age!!!
Jenny,
I have been doing a project which puts the Hebrew Bible (Torah) and oral tradition (Talmud) into a Asian narrative structure. As opposed to Western European/Roman narrative, which is linear, Asiatic narrative is cyclical.
Not only do some of the strait forward Bible stories (in original Hebrew) match the Slavic mythology exactly (During Noah’s flood the Bird returns 3 times with olive branch) but some of the other signifiers I have arranged cyclically seem to tell the same story as what you have translated here. The Hebrew version of the Bible has *dates* for the events. The oral tradition of the Hebrews was oppressed by the Catholic church.
I would be very interested in making contact privately and sharing research – is there anyway to accomplish this without posting our lives on the internet?
I started reading this text, and almost cried, as I have those same feelings as you have. I am Brazilian, and was in the beginning of this year and Russia, and completely falled in love with the country. I wake up every day and I try to find ways to put me back there in our mother Russia…. But I still didn’t lost my hopes as my girlfriend is actually Russian, from Chelyabinsk this is what makes me happy, maybe someday I can return to my country with her and live there?
I really liked your blog, keep on writing!!
Your girlfriend is lucky to have a guy who wants to live in Russia. I wish you well!
It’s so nice to hear that others share my feelings for Russia. When I was attending USU (Utah State) I joined the Natl Guard and was able to go to Defence Language Institute in CA to learn Russian for a year. What a great experience that was! Ever since that time I have been totally facinated and smitten with everything and anything Russian. I literaly ache to go there someday. I’m trying to read about the history and people, I’m currently reading Gulag Archepelago by Solzhenitzen, very interesting!
Someday I’ll go. Someday. In the mean time I’ll dream about it.
Thanks so much for site, blogs, and enthusiasm!
Gary
I’m russian. In English I’m like a dog that understand everything but can not say a word. Sorry for my poor english. Не верьте ни одному слову, что говорят о нас по каналу CNN. Это обычное political shit. Im a KINO fan too. Great respect.
You look quite russian,maybe you have deeper origins there.
I have been a severe slavophile since I was 12 or earlier ,very unusual because I have no ancestry or connections or anything from there. I had to explain all the time to people why I collected eastern european hats/costumes and russian musical cds,tapes etc.I did all my essays at university and design school on eastern european ancient/pagan history too.All baffling because I have no family,no connections/influences in my life from there.
I got my dna tested in 2008 and my strongest matches were to eastern europe.
DNA Tribes Analysis Results – Native and Global Match Strong/Strongest and Respective MLIs were: Serbia (96)789.34,Lodz Poland (92)491.46,Bucharest Romania(93) 378.98,Bosnia(92)324.59,Slovenia (91)315,275.45,Poladsie,Northeast Poland(87)270.8 the rest all in the 250′s are (92)Hungary,South East Poland,Belarus.
DNA Tribes Analysis Results – World Region Match Strong/Strongest and Respective MLIs were
192.72 Eastern European,136.6 Northwestern European,85.69
I got it tested again in 2009 1/2 million more dna markers – top match Russia/Uyguirs.Not a single slav in my long family tree ,but there it was in my cells.It all made sense.
I am a foreign language teacher (French/Spanish).
I am also a former russophile though my love for the
language and culture of Russia has not exactly left
me during the school year of 1992-1993 I was an
exchange teacher (Fulbright scholarship) in Brittany
France. That year I had the opportunity to go to
Russia for 3 weeks. It was the summer of 1993. The
memory of the trip is quite vivid. My Russian teacher in Miami died. Now I’m married and my husband
does not share my passion. I long to re-connect.
Marvel
t
Hey you look rather cute for an American girl. I always thought American girls were extremely fat and extremely ugly. Not bad for such a freak.
i disagree with what 01varvara said above. I am american and 100% polish, raised by polish people from poland, and i can understand it. plus we all reincarnate with many lives, i have been native american, guatemalan and its in my soul and i understand it all! the drive and desire…
god, its languages… no not at all, that is too limiting… but culture, music, great food, the goddess, i desire and drink from the wellspring : )
Hi Janey! I would like to thank you for your blog, for the eloquence and clarity with which you write about my beloved Russia. I, too, fell in love with Russia when I traveled there eight years ago. I immediately changed my education and career plans, started studying Russian, and saved every penny in order to go back. What is it about Russia that leaves me glowing and in better health whenever I spend even a little time there? I am happiest when I am speaking Russian in Russia, whether traveling the country side or exploring urban landscapes.
I truly believe that one can have русская душа without having been born in Russia. Kudos, сестра моя!
I loved your blog. I’ll put it on my favorites. I love your selection of images and pictures. I felt kind of sad with your description… something like that happened to me too… I think that something good about your ‘sad’ feelings it’s this blog. It’s beautiful what you have done with your nostalgia and the longing that you feel for a land.
A hug from a stranger in Mexico.
Hi Janey:
I’m American who married a Russian, and I’m learning the language (I’ve found that not understanding it takes all the joy out of eavesdropping).
I like your blog, have learned from it, and hope you’ll have a chance to start posting more regularly.
Hello!!!! I am a mad Russophile from Iceland! I’ve been desperate about Russia since I was 11 years old and been learning Russian by myself since then too. When I read what you say about Russia it brings me to tears! Because it’s exactly how I feel about Russia.
I am nearly 16 years old now and my love for Russia will never disappear
I haven’t been there yet but I am going to live there as soon as I can
I LOVE PUTIN HEHE=)
screw the rest of the world
russia is number 1 hehehe
My name is on wikipedia in Russophilia hahaha , i didnt put it there though
Неужели кто-то действительно любит Россию? Или это розыгрыш? Единственное что я когда-либо слышала в наш адрес это: “Русские пьют водку и обнимаются с медведями”.
/\
sorry, I have been studing English for 4 years, but it helped me a little ==’
I couldn’t but comment on this blog
Hi! You’re the first Russophile girl who seems to get it the way I did. This is so exciting!
I lived in Moscow for two years and have been back in the US going on five. I’ve thoroughly resisted putting down roots here and I think it’s time to go back to Russia. I’m mainly afraid of leaving a higher paying job, but I always felt like I had enough in Russia when I was teaching, probably because I was actually happy.
All my best memories are crammed into those years spent in Russia. If I haven’t settled down after five years being back, I think that means it’s time to go home.
Hi,
I couldn’t agree more with you !
I feel much of the same ….and it’s a pleasure to read your blog …KUDOS !
All the best and we’ll stay in touch
Gennady
Hi Janey,
I have loved reading your blog posts about Lviv! I am living here now, teaching English for a year, and I was wondering if you could give me the contact information of the Ukrainian language school you attended. I’m looking for a good school, and your description sounded great!
Thanks so much.
Maria
Yes! The school was AWESOME! I’ve been meaning to do a post on the school but have still been catching up on other things since I got back. Here is their website. They were absolutely wonderful!
http://www.learn-ukrainian.org.ua
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I love you!
And you write beautifully. X
I love your blog. Same like you, Russia always fascinated me..the country that full of mysteries and amazing histories.
Love your blog! You are such an interesting writer and person, and I really relate to your love for Russia and Ukraine. Thanks for sharing all of your insights. I just took my best friend to Russia for the first time last month (after trying to convince him to visit for 20 years!), and he too fell in love with it. He’s hired a Russian tutor and even watched “Ironiya Sudbi”
I live in New York, but spend time in Moscow and Kiev, when I can. Here is a recent post of my own comparing the two cities where I feel most at home:
http://www.chadgracia.com/kreshatik-versus-broadway/